God’s Will for the Family
September 28th, 1997GOD’S WILL FOR THE FAMILY
EXODUS 20:12
9/28/97
Jesus said, “THOU SHALT LOVE THE LORD THY GOD WITH ALL THY HEART, AND WITH ALL THY SOUL, AND WITH ALL THY MIND. THIS IS THE FIRST AND GREAT COMMANDMENT. AND THE SECOND IS LIKE UNTO IT, THOU SHALT LOVE THY NEIGHBOR AS THYSELF.” (Mat 22:37-39) Over the past four weeks we have looked at the first table of the Law, which outlines our duty to God. Now we are entering the second table of the Law, which is summarized by the command “THOU SHALT LOVE THY NEIGHBOR AS THYSELF”. We might ask, as a certain lawyer did of Jesus once, “WHO IS MY NEIGHBOR?” Of course everyone is our neighbor, and we are to love everyone we come into contact with.
But God chose to put this fifth command first in the second table of the Law, to show us that we are especially to love our neighbor as we find him within our own families. Here in this command, God is putting a priority on the family. In our human relationships, the family is to come first! When this command is kept, then it is far more likely that the last five commandments will be kept. Psychologists have made a big deal about childhood and family affecting behavior of adults. Michael Horton said, “Those who are abused in that environment themselves often abuse, whereas those who come from strong, loving, and supportive backgrounds are less likely to commit the crimes associated with the rest of the Ten Commandments that follow.”
Before God ever created the church, there was the family. Before God ever created the state, there was the family unit. The family is the most basic social unit in all of life. It is the foundation for all other relationships. What makes a nation strong? Strong families. What makes a church strong? Strong families! Whenever the family suffers, then all of society suffers. It is obvious in our world today that the family unit is breaking down. Divorce is breaking apart husbands and wives, and parents and children. Abuse is rampant within families today. And abortion, the worst form of child abuse, is destroying children before they are born. We live in a generation that is committed to personal fulfillment, and when family interferes with fulfillment, it is the family that gets set aside.
In the midst of a confused and sinful generation, what is God’s will for the family? Today I want try to answer that question in light of the 5th commandment, “HONOR THY FATHER AND THY MOTHER.” One aspect of God’s will for the family is:
I. CHILDREN WHO HONOR PARENTS
The command is stated positively, and is focused on the responsibility of the children. Everyone born on the face of the earth has a mother and a father. Your life came from them, and therefore you owe something to them. How are children to honor their parents? Children should first of all have a loving attitude towards them. God is not merely looking for outward obedience in any of these 10 commandments, but is more concerned about your heart. How do you feel about your parents? Do you love them and appreciate them, or do you resent them? Your parents have not been perfect to you, and you may think of many things they have done that you didn’t like. But this morning I want you to focus not on the negative, but on the good things your parents have brought to your life.
They have brought life itself to you. Your mother gave birth to you. Your parents have sacrificed much through the years to take care of you and provide for you. They have loved you much, and therefore you ought to love them, even though they are far from perfect. To love your parents is to forgive them when they have wronged you. Some people go all their lives holding a grudge against one of their parents, and are not willing to forgive them. But if you love them, you should forgive them. The probability is that they have had to forgive you far more than you will ever need to forgive them! Accept your parents as they are. Love them with the deep love of a child who is thankful and grateful for all they have done for you.
Another way in which children are to honor parents is by obeying them. Them Bible says, “CHILDREN, OBEY YOUR PARENTS IN THE LORD: FOR THIS IS RIGHT.” (Eph 6:1) This applies especially to children who are still living at home with their parents. Even Jesus was obedient to His parents. Once He had stayed behind at the temple and His parents were worried about Him. When they found the boy Jesus and told Him to come with them, the Bible says, “THEN HE WENT DOWN TO NAZARETH WITH THEM AND WAS OBEDIENT TO THEM.” (Luk 2:51) When you obey your parents everyone is happy. God is happy, your parents are happy, and you will be happy as well.
I am not saying that you will always feel like obeying, but I promise you that you will feel better after you have obeyed. God wants us to obey even when we don’t feel like it. Children, remember to be like an echo to your parents command. Obey quickly and quietly, without complaining. Children, have you ever felt like you always have to do what your parents want, and you hardly ever get to do what you want? But you know that if your parents let you do whatever you wanted all the time, then they would be disobeying God themselves. Even parents are not allowed to do whatever they want in life, but they have to do what God wants. If you can learn how to obey your parents now, then it will be much easier to learn how to obey God. But if your parents ever command you to do something against God, then this is the one time that you should not obey them. For example, if your mother told you to lie about something, then you must obey God, and not lie.
Another way in which children are to honor their parents is by showing respect to them. Leviticus 19:3 says, “EACH OF YOU MUST RESPECT HIS MOTHER AND FATHER.” This means that you must not talk back to your parents or talk to them in a disrespectful way. Some children today even call their parents names or curse at them. In the OT God said, “`HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER’ AND `ANYONE WHO CURSES HIS FATHER OR MOTHER MUST BE PUT TO DEATH.’” (Mat 15:4) God has changed the punishment for this offense, but He hasn’t changed the way He feels about disrespect for parents. Also, don’t complain to your parents or about them. Don’t leave the house upset with your mother or father, and then go and tell your friend how rotten your parents are! This would be very disrespectful.
We honor our parents when we seek the wisdom of their counsel and advice. As you get older and become an adult, your tendency will be to think you know it all and to think that you don’t need your parents anymore. But your parents know you probably better than you know yourself. They know the ways of the world better than you because of their experience. You will honor them if you seek their counsel, even after you are grown, married and out of the house! It doesn’t mean you must always do whatever they advise you to do once you are on your own, but at least go to them when it is appropriate to ask for their wisdom.
As our parents grow old we honor them by taking care of their needs. As they took care of you when you could not take care of yourself, so you should look after your parents when they become unable to take full care of themselves. There are many needs that they have when they get older. One of those needs is companionship. Your parents need to see you as often as is practical. Some children rarely visit their parents and almost forget they exist. One of the most difficult things for older folks to face is loneliness. We must make sure that our own parents do not suffer from loneliness because of our unwillingness to spend time with them.
There is one final way I want to set before you that children can honor parents. Children can most honor their parents by living for Jesus Christ all the days of their lives. The one thing that would honor me most as a Christian father, would be to see my children grow up to follow Jesus, and to become committed disciples of the Lord. It doesn’t matter so much what vocation they may choose, but I pray that whatever they do that they do it for Christ. The Apostle John said of his spiritual children, “I HAVE NO GREATER JOY THAN TO HEAR THAT MY CHILDREN ARE WALKING IN THE TRUTH.” (3 John 1:4)
There is nothing that grieves Christian parents more than to see their children neglect the church, and to fade away from Christ. But there is no greater joy than to know that your child has a vibrant relationship with Jesus Christ, and that He is the Lord of their life. Children, if you want to honor your parents, then honor the Lord and live for Jesus all the days of your life!
We have examined the first aspect of God’s will for the family, that it is God’s will that children honor their parents. Now let’s see that another aspect of God’s will for the family is that there be:
II. PARENTS WHO ARE WORTHY OF HONOR
If children are to honor their parents, then the duty of parents is to prove themselves to be worthy of honor. Let me add that even if parents are deemed unworthy of such honor, we are to honor them anyway. Of course it is much easier for children to honor honorable parents! Parents, are you living in such a way as to be worthy of the honor that your children owe you?
One way that we may prove ourselves to be worthy of honor is by putting our relationship with Jesus Christ as the 1st priority in life. This must not be in theory only, because your children can see through that. To actually live so that Christ has first place is another thing. Do your children see that you are seeking to make decisions based on the Bible? Do they see that you consistently seek God in prayer and Bible study? When your children see that Christ is more important even than husband, wife or children, then they will be learning a valuable lesson from you.
Jesus Himself said, “IF ANYONE COMES TO ME AND DOES NOT HATE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN, HIS BROTHERS AND SISTERS - YES, EVEN HIS OWN LIFE - HE CANNOT BE MY DISCIPLE.” (Lk 14:26) Of course Jesus is not saying that we are to actually hate our wives and children. But He is saying that our loyalty and devotion to Him should far outshine any devotion that we give to any other person or thing. The 1st commandment says, “YOU SHALL HAVE NO OTHER GODS BEFORE ME”. Sometimes children can become more important to us than Christ, and when that happens, then that child has become a false God to us. Our children must see that Christ comes first in every area of our lives.
Next, in order to be worthy of honor, our children must see that on earth, our relationship to each other as husband and wife comes first. It is not the children who come first in the family, but your wife or your husband. Counselor Jay Adams says, “THE MOST BASIC FAMILY RELATIONSHIP IS NOT THE PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP, BUT RATHER THE HUSBAND-WIFE RELATIONSHIP.” That relationship becomes more important than your relationship to your own parents. Of course you must always honor your father and mother, but not to the detriment of your marriage. If you put parents or children ahead of your husband or wife you are not doing right!
There is a trend today for parents to build their lives around their children. But when the child leaves such a home, there is often nothing left to hold the marriage together. This is why some marriages break up late in life, after the kids are all gone.
Husbands, your children need to see you love your wife. They need to see you make time to spend alone with her. They need to see you show affection towards her. They need to see that you cherish your wife, and that you treat her as the most special person on earth! Wives, your children need to see you love and respect your husband. They must see that you are glad to be his helper, and that you willingly submit to his leadership in the home. They need to realize that your husband comes first, and not them! You see, your children need to see a good marriage modeled before them, so that they will have a pattern to follow when they get married.
When you live for your children, you will find it hard to let them go. Even after they are out of the house and married, you will be tempted to control their lives. We all must realize that God gives us a partner in marriage for life, but He only loans children to us for a short time, until they leave us and cleave to a husband or wife. It is critical that we put our marriage relationship before our children. But of course this does not mean that mom and dad are to neglect their children while they go out on the town every night. The other extreme is to look upon children as nuisances which cramp mom and dad’s style.
Another way in which parents can be worthy of honor is by bringing up their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Children are truly a gift of God for us to enjoy, but they are also a loan from God to train them up in the way of the Lord. Listen to what the prophet Malachi says about marriage and children: “HAS NOT THE LORD MADE THEM ONE? IN FLESH AND SPIRIT THEY ARE HIS. AND WHY ONE? BECAUSE HE WAS SEEKING GODLY OFFSPRING. SO GUARD YOURSELF IN YOUR SPIRIT, AND DO NOT BREAK FAITH WITH THE WIFE OF YOUR YOUTH.” (Mal 2:15) God is seeking godly offspring. Today, in this Yuppie generation, it has become fashionable to have children in order to be fulfilled. After one gets tired of the BMWs and the nice things of life, then why not try children? But children are not to be raised for our own selfish reasons, but for God and His kingdom.
We are to teach our children the truths of Scripture. The Bible must be constantly referred to in our homes. If we as parents do not pass on the truths of the Bible to our children, then future generations will be raised up that are ignorant of God. This is what is happening in America today. A new generation is coming along that is ignorant of God, because parents who may have been brought up in church themselves, neglected to pass the faith along. In a relay race, the most critical point occurs when the baton is passed from one runner to the next. If the baton is dropped, the race is all over.
The Christian faith must be taught diligently by parents to their children if it is to be passed on for generations to come. One reason why so many people today do not even darken the door of a church is because the baton of truth has been dropped. On the other hand, the Bible promises that if we “TRAIN A CHILD IN THE WAY HE SHOULD GO, AND WHEN HE IS OLD HE WILL NOT TURN FROM IT.” (Pro 22:6) We must not only train them and teach them in God’s ways, but we must filter out ungodly influences that are seeking to lead our children in the way of the devil. Television and movies are powerful teachers and can often undo the biblical teaching that we have given them. Psalm 101:3 & 4 says, “I WILL SET NO WICKED THING BEFORE MY EYES: I WILL HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH EVIL.”
Another way in which parents become worthy of honor is by maintaining parental authority and discipline. God has given parents the right to exercise authority in the lives of their children until they are grown and leave home. Parents are being pushed around today by their children, and children are controlling their parents instead of parents controlling their children. When we allow children to tread on our authority, we are in effect allowing them to tread on the authority of God. Whenever your child gets his own way, instead of doing what you commanded, then he is being prepared to rebel against God.
As parents we must be firm and consistent in our exercise of authority. We must mean what we say. For example, if in rashness we yell to our child, “THAT’S IT! YOU’RE GOING ON RESTRICTIONS FOR TWO WEEKS!”, and then we let them off restrictions in two days, then they learn to distrust our word. If they learn that they cannot trust our words, then they may transfer that distrust to God’s words. The Bible says, “AN EYE FOR AN EYE, AND A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH.” This means that the punishment must fit the crime. We must not over-discipline our children nor under-discipline them. We must be consistent, and fit the discipline to the crime.
We must not only discipline our children well, but we must also love them and encourage them profusely! 1 Peter 4:8 says, “ABOVE ALL, LOVE EACH OTHER DEEPLY, BECAUSE LOVE COVERS OVER A MULTITUDE OF SINS. ” You will inevitably fail in many ways as a parent. You will fall short in teaching them God’s word, and in disciplining them. But if you do nothing else, make sure you love them. Love them deeply and concretely so that they can feel and see that you love them.
Love for a child is spelled in many different ways. One way they spell love is T-I-M-E. Parents are so busy in today’s world that very little time is given to children. If you want to show love to them, then spend time with them! Children also spell love A-T-T-E-N- T-I-O-N. Often when we are with our children, we really aren’t with them. Our mind may be on something else. Give your child your undivided attention when you are together! Love is also spelled A-F- F-E-C-T-I-O-N. I do not believe you can hug your child enough. I do not believe that anyone was ever messed up by being loved too much! Tell them often that you love them! Show love daily with many hugs and kisses. Dads, don’t just hug your little girls, hug your little boys too.
Our children cannot thrive on discipline alone. They must not only be punished for what they have done wrong, but they need to be encouraged when they have done right. With proper discipline we discourage them from doing wrong again. But with encouragement, we make them want to do what is right again. There is an old proverb that says, “GOODNESS INCREASES WHEN PRAISED.” It is much easier to see the faults of our children than their good deeds. Therefore we must work twice as hard at encouragement .
CONCLUSION
We have seen this morning that God’s will for the family is to have children who honor parents and parents who are worthy of honor. The result of this 5th command being kept is that “YOU MAY LIVE LONG IN THE LAND THE LORD YOUR GOD IS GIVING YOU.” (Exodus 20:12) The apostle Paul adds in Ephesians 6:3, “THAT IT MAY BE WELL WITH YOU.” Families are blessed by God when children honor parents and parents are honorable. God wants to build His kingdom through building strong families. He is committed to you and your family. Are you committed to Him and His will for your family?
Every parent and every child knows that they fall far short of this fifth commandment. We are all guilty. What do we do with this guilt? Turn to Christ and ask Him to cleanse you. He died to pay for sins like that. What a merciful God and Father we have! Let us turn to Christ for pardon and then for strength to keep this commandment.
